why me?

Had one of those WHY ME?!?!?! moments today. Actually, it was several but it can be summed up like this...

On our way to therapy Logan tells me his pee-pee hurts. I ask him why and he tells me the seat belt from his car seat is too tight. So I pull over and loosen his seat belt. Fast forward 15 minutes. I am on I-10, approaching the on-ramp to the Fuller Warren Bridge (in morning rush hour traffic congestion, full construction barricades blocking all emergency lanes...) and Logan screams. I mean he SCREAMS. I panic and start trying to look backwards while driving and frantically asking him what is wrong but he can't/won't tell me, he's just screaming and crying and finally he says MY PEE-PEE HURTS!!!!!!!!!!! I tell him to hang on, we are almost where we can stop (thank the Lord, Nemours is the first exit off the bridge) and we made it over in about a minute. I fly through to the parking garage and jump out as soon as I park...and there, to my horror was the WORST POOP EXPLOSION I have EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. There was poop from the top of his pants to his feet...down to the floorboard of the car, all over his seat belt, his hands, his juice cup...

Seriously I thought at that moment DO NOT THROW UP, DO NOT PASS OUT, HOLD IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!

And I did. The best I could. Holding my breath, half cursing under it, promising myself that this was BY FAR GOING TO BE THE WORST PARENTING SITUATION I WOULD EVER BE IN *(oh Lord please tell me this is the worst. Please. I beg you.)

I will spare you the details, but it was bad. REALLY bad. Think...about as bad as cleaning up poop can be...then multiply that by about fifteen and maybe, just maybe you can envision the places I was cleaning poop off of and just how bad we smelled walking into the doors of that hospital.

I can honestly say I went through two whole packages of wipes (praise God I had an extra "just in case" package in the trunk), one hand sanitizer container, three diapers, (the first one was obvious, the second was to wrap around the first one), and two pairs of pants (the first pair was thrown away. there was no question as to what I was doing with them after all of that).

But the therapist was kind enough to sympathize with me and my pathetic, half crying message that "I am covered in poop! (sniff sniff!)...I'll be there in ten minutes! (click)" and she half entertained Logan while I scrubbed my hands like I was a surgeon. (I had washed them as soon as we got in the door but at that moment I could have taken eight showers and I still would have felt dirty).

And so we survived the appointment, went to go home and it happened again.

yes, again. only this time by some miracle it stayed in his pants.

I soon realized this was only a small blessing because when we got to the CVS bathroom to change Logan's diaper, we discovered that the bathrooms were UNDER CONSTRUCTION(!) and of course we had to use THE MEN'S BATHROOM - complete with URINALS and NO DIAPER CHANGING STATION.

Count with me: that makes two yes TWO standing up diaper changes in one day. Ever done that? If you have, you would know that TWO STANDING UP DIAPER CHANGES ARE WAY TOO MANY FOR ONE PERSON IN ONE DAY.

(Seriously, anyone notice how much I have had to use all caps lately?)

I am so overwhelmed just documenting this I think I need a nap. and a margarita. and a vacation.

My many apologies to Katrina for having to cancel today but honestly I don't know how much she would continue to love me had my kid pooped all over her floors.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Please GOD, let tomorrow be better...


four months

Oh sweet girl, you are something else.

This morning you woke us up when we heard you singing and giggling over the baby monitor. That little laugh of yours is priceless.

You are still happy and easy-going the majority of the time. Sometimes you amaze me with your patience. This week Logan started pre-school and despite having JUST fallen asleep when we reached our destination (both to and from), you tolerated being woken up, re-adjusted and plopped into the Baby Bjorn like it was nothing. When I come home from the store you wait patiently for me to take you out of your carrier. When you are hungry you let out a soft whimper every few minutes as if you are saying, "I'll eat when you are ready, mama." And yesterday when we went to Publix it was storming when we came back outside. You rode in the cart as I pushed it as fast as I could...and you were laughing the whole time while the rain splashed you in the face.

You now make it evident just how much you hate to be on your tummy when you're stuck and can't roll over to your back. We've been having several of middle-of-the-night calls to come and turn you over :)

You are doing so well with your feedings it is almost as if you don't have an issue anymore. We'll continue with the therapy at least until you are one year old, but from the way you are feeding and "talking" and "singing", I have high hopes that everything is going to be just fine.

You recently discovered your fingers and bibs and love to put them in your mouth. I suspect your feet are next.

It is evident you love your brother so much - he can make you laugh like no one else.

Daddy is your buddy and you love to snuggle on his chest and watch sports together.

We are now headed into new territory, you and I, where there will be days with just the two of us for a few hours. I really look forward to getting in some "girl time" with you.

And one more thing...stop growing up so fast okay?

Love you,



and so it begins

Ms. Lauren turned four months old today...
and not five minutes ago I spotted her rolling over onto her tummy (!!!!!!)

So, I rolled her back over and let her try it again...

It might look like she is crying, but she is actually "singing". She's a very chatty baby and when she's really happy it sounds like she is singing :)

"Official" four month photos to come soon...



We stopped by my grandparent's house after Logan got out of school for about an hour.

I asked lots of questions about school in the car but most of his answers didn't make a lot of sense. He did inform me:

1. "I went poop!"
2. He "painted on a wall." (He does have a painting from today on paper so I am not sure what this really means)
3. Ella was crying. (When I asked why, if she missed her mommy, he looked at me like I was nuts and said something about how she got hurt at the window...I later thought about this and took it to mean she got upset when she saw her mom out the window of the class)
4. The Wheels on the Bus is his favorite song.
5. There were little cars at school and they were "tiny cool cars"
6. He wants to go back tomorrow. and the day after that. and the day after that.

We talked to Mimi and Poppy when we got home and then he went down for a nap. That was OVER THREE HOURS AGO.

I think he had just a little bit of fun today.

...and we all survived

Not a tear from either of us, which really surprised me even though he cried alligator tears yesterday saying "I want to stay here and play wif my friends!" after we took him to meet his teacher for orientation.

I am so proud, so scared and so happy for him all at the same time.

Wanted to get him this backpack but it has been on backorder and when we drove out to the St. Johns Town Center yesterday they were sold out as well so we managed to get the very last backpack they had at Gap Kids...and it has skulls on it. This of course thrilled Ryan but then he later asked me "you don't think he'll be kicked out for that do you?" :)

The backpack is about as big as he is but he loves it. Last night before he went to sleep he asked me if he could wear it in his bed. I had to turn him down on that one.

More to report once I talk to the little guy himself later today...


Six years

Ryan and I were married six years ago yesterday.

So many obvious changes have taken place in six years, but what I didn't expect to see was how much our relationship has changed.

We are not used to going off just the two of us - although we have amazing family that would watch the kids in a moment's notice (and they do, trust me, they do), it is not something we do too often...which is why it took us about an hour to determine if we should actually dress up in something more than jeans to go do dinner. And at dinner, instead of talking about us, we talk about the kids. We laugh at old stories and talk about things we remember from the past instead of wondering what the future holds. We no longer feel like we have to go someplace really special -- using that gift card Ryan was given by an appreciative client was just fine. And afterwards we could have gone to a movie, but we chose to go to each other's favorite stores and browse...and then came home. At 9:30. We didn't even exchange cards this year. We talked about it and decided against it, opting instead to get each other a small, simple gift less than $15.00 (and ironically we both chose magazine subscriptions...yes, we are that lame).

It is pretty comical when I start writing it all down....

but I can't really explain how emotional I feel at the same time. He is my best friend, my secret keeper, my one true comfort, my partner, my better half. At dinner we talked about trips to Scotland and London and Mexico, of purchasing gifts like a $350 driver that he now occasionally uses to play golf or a ring I can no longer fit on my fat fingers after they swelled up a size from pregnancy...of how when we picked out cards it was an ORDEAL because we had to make sure we had it beforehand and written in it and taped to the gift that had to be (secretly) wrapped...and now we are lucky to make it to Hallmark to get the dang card, much less write anything in it.

but now I see that this is it, this is what it is all about. Love is not the stuff of rainbows and butterflies. It is a comfort level, an intimacy of friendship and respect and trust. It is not having to go somewhere special, exchange expensive gifts, or writing and exchanging cards with words....it is something simply felt, or better yet, something we already know.

So Ryan, yesterday, when you turned the car around to take me to the store that you didn't want to go to - even when it was way out of the way, you reminded me of just how much I know you love me. I told you never mind(!!!), that I could go later, but you persisted because you knew it was something I wanted to do. Then, when we got there they were closed. And we just laughed. I can't really explain it, but that meant more than any card you could have given me.

You remind me in so many little ways that you love me, ways I tend to overlook...but I know in my heart because of you that more than anything, love is a verb.

I love you,


I am getting old

This Sunday I will have been married six years

On Tuesday Logan will start pre-school

and in a couple of weeks he will be three.

Next Thursday will mark four months of being blessed with our baby girl,

and I will be old.

Ok so I AM old. I am just having a hard time grasping it.

I don't know where the time goes.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was getting married, or picking out our little puppy (who is now our chubby boy Cody, who puts up with a certain little kid riding on his back despite the fact that they weigh the same)...or building a home...or getting another puppy...or getting ready to have a baby, unsure whether we were having a boy or a girl...and then boo-hooing the day he was born when they said "it's a boy!" (I've said it before, they could have told me it was a baby monkey and I still would have cried...)...

but it was just four months ago that Lauren arrived...and she is my everyday reminder that this time around I will not rush a single milestone, I will not take a these days for granted, and I will remember each precious, fleeting moment of this life.

Yes, I am getting old, but that is just fine because the memories more than make up for it. There is no turning back the clock, so all we can do is embrace what is happening right now.

Someone please remind me of that on Tuesday when I am bawling my eyes out, okay?


two words

potty training


ahem, excuse me.

we have good days and bad days. some days we have great days, though those are rare.

today would be what I would describe as a bad, bad, bad day.

I will spare you the major details but basically.....because a certain someone shouted from the backseat on our way home that he had to go number two (although not quite so politely) and I rushed home as fast as I could repeating "hold it! hold it, baby!" and I was crazed and trying to hurry, we ran into the house holding hands, looking for the little potty to put in the kitchen so I could bring in my groceries (and don't EVEN get me started on how the prescription I tried to pick up at CVS wont be available until TOMORROW) while helping said child wiggle out of his shorts, I managed to somehow forget that our car has the lovely feature that the car doors lock on their own after a couple of minutes of the car being turned off...yes, with Lauren inside in her car seat....so I run around the car like a lunatic and try EVERY DOOR and of course EVERY DOOR IS LOCKED...so I try the trunk, which is of course locked, and I try looking for something to pry open a door *impossible!!!* and then look for a coat hanger or something like they use in the movies (though i have no clue what to actually do with it) and I find no such hanger and so.......and so I proceeded to cry, and call Ryan frantically (like um, what's he going to do over the phone? I don't know but PICK UP THE FRIGGIN PHONE, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!...no answer...of course...)...meanwhile Logan is chanting "I POOOOOOOP! I POOOOOP!"....and the dogs are running around under my feet because HEY, THEY NEED TO POTTY TOO!!!....I almost break my neck and then proceed to slap myself on the forehead, I take a deep breath and suddenly realize HEY, YOU IDIOT...YOUR KEYS ARE UNDER THE BAG OVER THERE ON THE COUNTER.


So I get Little L out of the car and see the glorious mass of poop all over my FLOOR...NO, NOT THE KITCHEN TILE! THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY!!!!!!!!! IT HAS TO BE THE CARPET!!!!!!!!!! OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow I managed to survive until nap time and when I went in to check on Logan at 3 he proudly announced to me "MAMA! I PEE ON MY BED!!!!!!!!!!"

I could not make this up if I tried.


Yes, this is it, this is my life right now, full of stories of poop and pee.

Ah, potty training: those two horrible, dreaded, miserable words. I can't think about them for one more second.

I think I'll be having ice cream for dinner tonight....


weekend highlights

- Watched this movie (so, so good).

- Went to the beach with the family and two little dachshunds (Cadie is too rambunctious for the beach and Cody just hides under a chair). Left the camera behind and took nothing but memories for a change :)

- Did some shopping and planned a certain little boy's third birthday party. I started to do something with his newest fascination, bugs and lizards, but then I decided that having something creepy crawly on top of a cake wouldn't be too appetizing unless you are in fact three years old and don't know any better.

How was your weekend?


Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
-- K. Arnold

Logan at three months (December 2006):

(rolling over)
Lauren at three and a half months:

If she were my first, I would think that people who said babies cry a lot were making that up...but I did have one of those babies first so I know it can be true. And not that there is anything wrong with that either....I can honestly say I learned so much about being a Mama in that first year of Logan's life (even if it was mostly a blur) and that it is part of what has made the second time easier.

It is hard not to compare the first time around with the second and I find myself doing it ALL THE TIME. I know it is natural, but I question myself over and over.
When he was a baby, Logan wanted to be held all the time and I wore that dang Baby Bjorn 24/7. With Lauren I can lay her down in her bed and she will hum herself to sleep. He hated baths until he was about five months old. She has always loved them. I bought Dr. Browns bottles for Logan's colic (they turned out to be a lifesaver) and now well, now they get used for my breast pump. He hated to be wrapped. She had to be forced out of her wrap after outgrowing it. Logan screamed every time he was in the car seat. Lauren peacefully pokes her head out like she's trying to count the cars that pass. Logan weighed 15 pounds 8 ounces when he was five months old - and on Monday she weighed 15 pounds 3 ounces (fully clothed) and she is only three and a half months old. He was rolling over. She can roll to her side and grunts mercilessly until someone turns her onto her back (a new thing we've been challenged with in the middle of the night).

Each has their own way of melting my heart, of challenging me, of teaching me, of making me a stronger, better mama.
Now I think about my childhood and how my mom was a stay-at-home mom to three young kids. How she took a calculator to the grocery store so she could make sure she got every penny out of her grocery budget; how she must have looked with three small kids hanging off her shopping cart and sorting through coupons; how she made a home-cooked meal every night, read us stories at bedtime, and held me when I had earaches and leg pains. I remember the smell of sheets on my bed fresh off the clothesline and home-made slip-and-slides in the front yard. I remember the time our ants broke out of our ant farm and all over the living room (and from what I remember, she didn't panic). I remember her helping us find our lost gerbil MORE THAN ONCE and how she didn't freak out when I accidentally let our cockatoo named Bert fly out the back door (oops). I remember microwaving a granola bar once (not sure what I was thinking) and how it caught on fire and she calmly told me, we do not microwave things with wrappers. I can remember the detail she took into making matching dresses for Corey and myself and how we never went anywhere without our hair perfectly braided. I can remember the mural she hand-painted in my brother's room that looked like it belonged in a museum (she is an incredibly talented artist, though she would never admit it).
I remember those things that some people might consider small, little things that the average person might say doesn't make up much in the span of our lives, but the truth is to me they were everything...everything that made her a great mom, everything that set the foundation for where I am today.
So the next time I question whether I am doing something right or wrong, whether I did it the same way with Logan as I am doing with Lauren, I hope I can remember one simple thing -- that being a mama is, more than anything, simply about being THERE.
Love you mom.



When I got up this morning and read my email I didn't expect to get a small wake-up call. Thanks Dad, for sending me something I needed to see and hear.

We are at the age of questions with Logan..."where did this come from?", "who gave me this?" "What's that for?" and although I had heard it could drive you a little crazy, as I experience it for myself I am finding it could drive you a LOT crazy. (I know that's terrible grammar but there's just no other way to put it). The same questions are asked OVER and OVER and OVER all day long and I find myself finally saying " I just told you. I am not going to tell you again."

If I sound pretty impatient it is because [admittedly] I am impatient by nature and if you were to ask Ryan what my number one pet peeve is, he would tell you having to repeat what she just said.

So yes, to say this is a challenge for me is an understatement.

I know some of it is not listening, but the other part of it is that small child in all of us who sometimes needs to hear things many times over before it sinks in.
The other part of it is simply learning to be patient...and kind...and remember that children have a little sponge up in that head of theirs and everything is still soaking in.

I emailed Dad back after watching this video and said to him: Thanks for letting me ask you a million questions a hundred times. :) It just might be what turned me into the smartest woman alive.

So today I say here's to being a work in progress and learning to take those questions one day at a time, for now I realize...one day his questions will be my questions.

Have a beautiful weekend.

milestones + memories

Notice anything different?
Ms. Lauren had her ears pierced yesterday.

Then this morning she rolled over on her side for her Daddy and me while she was hanging out on the bed. We thought it might have been coincidence, but she did it again later this morning so I had to call Ryan and tell him that he did in fact witness a milestone. Now if we could just get her to stand some tummy time she might actually roll over....


recent photos

Logan eating a fudgesicle in the bathtub when he was running a fever...he didn't really want his picture taken....
but gave in and showed me a forced smile....

Lauren helping with dinner again

yesterday the geese took over the road....

Logan told one of them, "don't go over der! Come to ma house!"


she's baaaaaaaaack!

(Don't say I didn't warn you)
I am slowly emerging back from the brink of death. The dizzy haze of the flu is slowly fading away and the sun's beautiful rays are shining down upon me and somewhere in the distance I hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Last week was a rough one and Logan even had to endure a 103 fever over the weekend along with me, but we seem to be making a turn towards better health and I am so thankful. I still have a cough that sounds like I have been a professional smoker for the past 15 years, but this is a tiny detail I am willing to overlook at the moment.

I have been quietly entertaining myself here at home with work (no rest for the weary), pumping, finally watching THIS movie (it was great by the way),
...Reviewing and plotting ideas for Logan's lunches (he starts pre-school this month)

...Listening to Ryan become obsessed with saving money (the older he gets the cheaper he gets but I am finally starting to come around and appreciate this about him)
...Research on making Lauren's baby food in the next couple of months....
...as well as sneaking in vegetables and making "cool" food for both of them...

...oh, and a little something for myself (blessed carbs, how I love thee...):
and finally, picking up and putting down this book and thinking "to cry or not to cry...that is the question.

Thank you God for the library - my safe haven from myself and all the self-pity in the world when I am sick ;)

It is good to be back.